Whine, bitch, shutup.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Gothic Story I wrote
10:30pm
I don’t know when it was when it happened. I just remember it was dark and that I could hear the rain pouring outside. I was sitting next to the window looking out. I was tapping on the glass. Tap, tap tap; waiting for him to come home. I wanted to jump out, and get soaked by the water. I wanted to drown, to finally leave this place. I could feel tears run down my cheek.
The door opened. I got up and slowly walked over. He was standing there, with a smirk on his face.
“Hello, Desiree, I hope this evening finds you well,” he said while closing the door.
I trembled. I wanted to reach out to him. To yell and scream at him. To cry on his shoulder. I just stood there shaking.
“Well, I’d love to stay and chat with you, but I must be going to bed. I have a long day of work ahead of me.”
He went upstairs and slammed his bedroom door shut.
I heaved a sigh and started to tremble even more. I could feel the tears pouring, this time feeling like hot, burning blood. I looked out the window. For the first time in my life, I honestly wanted to die. And I never really wanted to.
You’ve got to believe me.
6:00 am
I woke up the next morning, expecting him to be hovering over me, watching me. All I saw when I opened my eyes was a vast blankness on the ceiling. I got out of bed, got dressed, and went outside. The grass smelled wonderful and the sun was shining magnificently. I was happy that I could go another day without having to see him. Without having to see his ugly face. Without having to look at him.
I went inside, and cooked myself some breakfast.
8:00 PM
It’s Saturday night. I’m starting to feel lightheaded again. All of a sudden it feels like the blood is rushing out of my body and being sucked into a giant vacuum. I close my eyes and imagine myself in a faraway place. Any place away from here. I can feel the tears start to build up again as I hear his footsteps. Knock knock.
“Desiree? Are you there? Open, the door, I want to talk to you. Desiree… please open this door. Please…”
I start to shake. Everything is becoming a blur. I feel like throwing up. I feel cold. My fingers feel like they’re about to fall off. I want to tear them off. Knock knock.
“Desiree? Please… I just want to talk.”
Complete silence. Don’t know that I’m here… please… don’t know that I’m here.
I hear him walking away.
1:00 am
I toss and turn in bed. I open my eyes and he’s there. Please let this be a nightmare. Please let this be a dream. I don’t want to be awake. Seal my eyes shut.
He presses his lips on my face and I struggle to get away. He puts his hand on my cheek and looks me in the eyes and smiles. His smile. The smile that I hate. That I cry about. He says he loves me. He whispers it into my ear. It hurts. God, stop. Stop. Please. I gasp for air as I claw against the wall. Somebody please help me.
“It’ll be over soon, Desiree,” he says with a smirk on his face.
I close my eyes. It’s a dream… it’s a dream… this isn’t really happening. When I wake up, all of this will be over.
Blackout.
7:00 am
Where am I? The light feels warm against my face. The nice kind of warm. I wrap myself in my blanket and drift off to sleep.
1:00 pm
Stop shaking me. I know you’re here. I wake up and look at her standing over me.
“Julia… what are you doing here?” I say.
“I thought we were going to see a movie.”
I look over to the clock on my desk.
“God, I’m sorry Julia. Let me get ready.”
1:00 am
Am I sober? Am I alive? I want to be a drug addict. Knife on my skin. Knife on my wrists. Blood. Hahahahaha. Laughter comes out of my eyelids.
2:00 am
I’m starting to shake more and more. I need to think. To live. To breathe. Can you hear me? Say hello. Please let me hold your hand. Dear, please let me hold your hand. Let me touch you. Please, can I touch you? Your hands are soft. I want to kiss them. Gasping for air at every second. These blankets are smothering me. Knock knock.
Fine, just kill me already. The door opens and I close my eyes and do nothing about it.
10:00 am
Open your eyes. The light is coming. It’s shining through the window, Desiree.
I slowly get out of bed and look around. My eyes are teary and blurred. He’s gone. How long did it last? I don’t remember. I know I tried to scream. I wanted to get away. I wanted to kill him. I still do.
But I’m not allowed to tell anyone. It’s our little secret. God, someone please help me.
I reach to my pillow and hug it for as long as I can. Someone must be able to hear me. Knock knock.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Julia.”
12:00 pm
The mall. Stores. Floating money. I hate everything. I put on a smile and walk with her.
“Ooooooh Des, look over there.”
She points to the new clothes store that opened up. I smile and keep walking.
“Don’t you want to check it out?” she asks.
“No, not really. It’s all the same thing.”
She looks at me like I’m crazy. She’s crazy. I’m just tired.
“Well, I’m just sick of pretending I want to go to a store when I really don’t. We just walk around, try on clothes, flirt with the guys, and leave. And for what? To fill the void within us that craves attention. Well you know what? I just don’t care anymore.”
I don’t know where that came from, but she definitely needed it. She looks at me like I’m crazy.
“Well, what do you want to do?” she asks.
I look at her and say nothing. I look around and see all these stores and people that I hate. I don’t know what I want to do. My head starts to spin a little.
“I don’t know. Can we sit down for a while? I’m starting to feel light headed.”
“But, we just got here…”
“Please, Julia… I really need to lie down…”
“But Desiree…”
Suddenly my head starts to hurt. Really hurt. Migraine hurt. People shooting heroin into my brain hurt. I feel lightheaded. Really light headed. I can’t even see lightheaded. All I hear is talking. Laughing. Useless noise. I hate it. Everyone shut up. Shut up. God, just shut up. I can’t hear myself. I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING. I’m choking. Knock knock.
“Desiree?”
“God, shut up Julia. Can’t you just stop for one second? Please… please… god… please…”
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Spin, spin, spin. I feel light. Light like a feather. Actually, it’s more like a speck of dust now. A floating speck of dust.
“Des… maybe you should go home. You don’t look so good.”
“I don’t want to go home, Julia. I want to sit down… I JUST WANT TO SIT DOWN! Please… let me sit down…”
Screams. The tears start to pour. I collapse. I press my hands against my forehead. It’s only been five minutes. I don’t know where I am.
5:00 pm
Get up. Please, get up. Here, I’ll help you.
I open my eyes. It’s still light.
“Where am I?”
I look around. No one is there. I’m lying on a couch. It feels itchy against my skin. I put my hand against my forehead. The headache is gone. It feels cool. The noise is gone. I feel like I’m on some sort of drug. Knock knock. It’s Julia.
“You feeling alright, Des? You took a pretty nasty fall.”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I look around again.
“We took you here to lie down. He thought you might want to get some rest.”
“Who?”
“Oh, let me go get him. He works at that one new store.
I lie back down. I don’t really want to meet this person. I’m sure he’s wonderful. I’m sure he’s incredibly nice. I just don’t care. But I don’t want to go home. I don’t really know what I want. But I do know what I want to go somewhere. Away from here. Away from my life. He steps in. He’s handsome. I need to get out of here. I need some pills.
“Hi, my name is Matthew. How are you feeling?”
I look up and don’t say anything. I lie back down and close my eyes.
“Don’t mind her, she hasn’t really been herself today. I’m sure she’s grateful, Matt.”
Shut up, Julia. This is me. This is myself. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know that I’m crazy. That I scratch at my skin all night. That I shiver and shake and cry. That he rapes me and tells me that he loves me. That I want to die.
“Well Desiree, I hope you feel better,” he says. He walks over to the door, glances back at me once, and leaves.
“He’s cute you know. I think he likes you,” says Julia like that’s the only thing I care about right now.
I just ignore her. I close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep.
9:00 pm
Bump, bump, bump. God, this is a rough road.
I’m in a car. I don’t know how I got here. The radio is on. I think it’s raining outside. I don’t know. It’s too dark outside to see. Where are we going?
“Julia?” I whisper.
No one answers. I look up at the driver. It’s HIM. God, why is it him? The pain is rising again. I can’t feel my arms. My face is numb.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“Home,” he replies. “ I was pretty damn embarrassed when I found out that my Desiree had passed out in a public place.”
I stay quiet. I want to yell at him, but I don’t. I just sit there and look at the nothingness outside. I want to run away. I want to open the door and jump out. I know it’s going to happen again tonight. And then I have to act like I’m the happiest person alive tomorrow because it’s “our little secret”. Julia. I hate her. I want to tell her. I want to claw at her face and bleed on her. To make her understand.
“Where are we?” I ask.
He laughs. A sick, twisted laugh. He gets out. I reach for the door but he slams his fist against his window angrily.
“Don’t you dare,” he says.
I sit there and look up at him. At his bloody red looking eyes. At his creepy smile. I don’t know what he’s going to do. He opens the trunk.
:: Orgazmic Gumby 11:32 AM
...
10:30pm
I don’t know when it was when it happened. I just remember it was dark and that I could hear the rain pouring outside. I was sitting next to the window looking out. I was tapping on the glass. Tap, tap tap; waiting for him to come home. I wanted to jump out, and get soaked by the water. I wanted to drown, to finally leave this place. I could feel tears run down my cheek.
The door opened. I got up and slowly walked over. He was standing there, with a smirk on his face.
“Hello, Desiree, I hope this evening finds you well,” he said while closing the door.
I trembled. I wanted to reach out to him. To yell and scream at him. To cry on his shoulder. I just stood there shaking.
“Well, I’d love to stay and chat with you, but I must be going to bed. I have a long day of work ahead of me.”
He went upstairs and slammed his bedroom door shut.
I heaved a sigh and started to tremble even more. I could feel the tears pouring, this time feeling like hot, burning blood. I looked out the window. For the first time in my life, I honestly wanted to die. And I never really wanted to.
You’ve got to believe me.
6:00 am
I woke up the next morning, expecting him to be hovering over me, watching me. All I saw when I opened my eyes was a vast blankness on the ceiling. I got out of bed, got dressed, and went outside. The grass smelled wonderful and the sun was shining magnificently. I was happy that I could go another day without having to see him. Without having to see his ugly face. Without having to look at him.
I went inside, and cooked myself some breakfast.
8:00 PM
It’s Saturday night. I’m starting to feel lightheaded again. All of a sudden it feels like the blood is rushing out of my body and being sucked into a giant vacuum. I close my eyes and imagine myself in a faraway place. Any place away from here. I can feel the tears start to build up again as I hear his footsteps. Knock knock.
“Desiree? Are you there? Open, the door, I want to talk to you. Desiree… please open this door. Please…”
I start to shake. Everything is becoming a blur. I feel like throwing up. I feel cold. My fingers feel like they’re about to fall off. I want to tear them off. Knock knock.
“Desiree? Please… I just want to talk.”
Complete silence. Don’t know that I’m here… please… don’t know that I’m here.
I hear him walking away.
1:00 am
I toss and turn in bed. I open my eyes and he’s there. Please let this be a nightmare. Please let this be a dream. I don’t want to be awake. Seal my eyes shut.
He presses his lips on my face and I struggle to get away. He puts his hand on my cheek and looks me in the eyes and smiles. His smile. The smile that I hate. That I cry about. He says he loves me. He whispers it into my ear. It hurts. God, stop. Stop. Please. I gasp for air as I claw against the wall. Somebody please help me.
“It’ll be over soon, Desiree,” he says with a smirk on his face.
I close my eyes. It’s a dream… it’s a dream… this isn’t really happening. When I wake up, all of this will be over.
Blackout.
7:00 am
Where am I? The light feels warm against my face. The nice kind of warm. I wrap myself in my blanket and drift off to sleep.
1:00 pm
Stop shaking me. I know you’re here. I wake up and look at her standing over me.
“Julia… what are you doing here?” I say.
“I thought we were going to see a movie.”
I look over to the clock on my desk.
“God, I’m sorry Julia. Let me get ready.”
1:00 am
Am I sober? Am I alive? I want to be a drug addict. Knife on my skin. Knife on my wrists. Blood. Hahahahaha. Laughter comes out of my eyelids.
2:00 am
I’m starting to shake more and more. I need to think. To live. To breathe. Can you hear me? Say hello. Please let me hold your hand. Dear, please let me hold your hand. Let me touch you. Please, can I touch you? Your hands are soft. I want to kiss them. Gasping for air at every second. These blankets are smothering me. Knock knock.
Fine, just kill me already. The door opens and I close my eyes and do nothing about it.
10:00 am
Open your eyes. The light is coming. It’s shining through the window, Desiree.
I slowly get out of bed and look around. My eyes are teary and blurred. He’s gone. How long did it last? I don’t remember. I know I tried to scream. I wanted to get away. I wanted to kill him. I still do.
But I’m not allowed to tell anyone. It’s our little secret. God, someone please help me.
I reach to my pillow and hug it for as long as I can. Someone must be able to hear me. Knock knock.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Julia.”
12:00 pm
The mall. Stores. Floating money. I hate everything. I put on a smile and walk with her.
“Ooooooh Des, look over there.”
She points to the new clothes store that opened up. I smile and keep walking.
“Don’t you want to check it out?” she asks.
“No, not really. It’s all the same thing.”
She looks at me like I’m crazy. She’s crazy. I’m just tired.
“Well, I’m just sick of pretending I want to go to a store when I really don’t. We just walk around, try on clothes, flirt with the guys, and leave. And for what? To fill the void within us that craves attention. Well you know what? I just don’t care anymore.”
I don’t know where that came from, but she definitely needed it. She looks at me like I’m crazy.
“Well, what do you want to do?” she asks.
I look at her and say nothing. I look around and see all these stores and people that I hate. I don’t know what I want to do. My head starts to spin a little.
“I don’t know. Can we sit down for a while? I’m starting to feel light headed.”
“But, we just got here…”
“Please, Julia… I really need to lie down…”
“But Desiree…”
Suddenly my head starts to hurt. Really hurt. Migraine hurt. People shooting heroin into my brain hurt. I feel lightheaded. Really light headed. I can’t even see lightheaded. All I hear is talking. Laughing. Useless noise. I hate it. Everyone shut up. Shut up. God, just shut up. I can’t hear myself. I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING. I’m choking. Knock knock.
“Desiree?”
“God, shut up Julia. Can’t you just stop for one second? Please… please… god… please…”
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Spin, spin, spin. I feel light. Light like a feather. Actually, it’s more like a speck of dust now. A floating speck of dust.
“Des… maybe you should go home. You don’t look so good.”
“I don’t want to go home, Julia. I want to sit down… I JUST WANT TO SIT DOWN! Please… let me sit down…”
Screams. The tears start to pour. I collapse. I press my hands against my forehead. It’s only been five minutes. I don’t know where I am.
5:00 pm
Get up. Please, get up. Here, I’ll help you.
I open my eyes. It’s still light.
“Where am I?”
I look around. No one is there. I’m lying on a couch. It feels itchy against my skin. I put my hand against my forehead. The headache is gone. It feels cool. The noise is gone. I feel like I’m on some sort of drug. Knock knock. It’s Julia.
“You feeling alright, Des? You took a pretty nasty fall.”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I look around again.
“We took you here to lie down. He thought you might want to get some rest.”
“Who?”
“Oh, let me go get him. He works at that one new store.
I lie back down. I don’t really want to meet this person. I’m sure he’s wonderful. I’m sure he’s incredibly nice. I just don’t care. But I don’t want to go home. I don’t really know what I want. But I do know what I want to go somewhere. Away from here. Away from my life. He steps in. He’s handsome. I need to get out of here. I need some pills.
“Hi, my name is Matthew. How are you feeling?”
I look up and don’t say anything. I lie back down and close my eyes.
“Don’t mind her, she hasn’t really been herself today. I’m sure she’s grateful, Matt.”
Shut up, Julia. This is me. This is myself. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know that I’m crazy. That I scratch at my skin all night. That I shiver and shake and cry. That he rapes me and tells me that he loves me. That I want to die.
“Well Desiree, I hope you feel better,” he says. He walks over to the door, glances back at me once, and leaves.
“He’s cute you know. I think he likes you,” says Julia like that’s the only thing I care about right now.
I just ignore her. I close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep.
9:00 pm
Bump, bump, bump. God, this is a rough road.
I’m in a car. I don’t know how I got here. The radio is on. I think it’s raining outside. I don’t know. It’s too dark outside to see. Where are we going?
“Julia?” I whisper.
No one answers. I look up at the driver. It’s HIM. God, why is it him? The pain is rising again. I can’t feel my arms. My face is numb.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“Home,” he replies. “ I was pretty damn embarrassed when I found out that my Desiree had passed out in a public place.”
I stay quiet. I want to yell at him, but I don’t. I just sit there and look at the nothingness outside. I want to run away. I want to open the door and jump out. I know it’s going to happen again tonight. And then I have to act like I’m the happiest person alive tomorrow because it’s “our little secret”. Julia. I hate her. I want to tell her. I want to claw at her face and bleed on her. To make her understand.
“Where are we?” I ask.
He laughs. A sick, twisted laugh. He gets out. I reach for the door but he slams his fist against his window angrily.
“Don’t you dare,” he says.
I sit there and look up at him. At his bloody red looking eyes. At his creepy smile. I don’t know what he’s going to do. He opens the trunk.
:: Orgazmic Gumby 11:32 AM
...
Friday, October 24, 2003
I'm sitting here in my room. It's very dark in here. It kind of reminds me when I would sneak Grace into my house and we would read her old poetry and feel alive. The sad thing is, I don't really miss Grace that much. I don't know. I just don't need to feel horrible when I'm with her right now.
I had the most awful dream last night. It was about this girl named Lindsay, who was in my drama class last year. We did an acting scene together called "DMV Tyrant" by Christopher Durang. I remember in the beginning of the school year I looked at her and wondered how awesome it would be if we got to talking. And we did. And we were good friends. Later on in the year, however, she started wearing make up and started wearing this hat and started paying attention to what was de rigeur. This really depressed me.
Anyway, the dream was about her coming back to see me. I forgot to mention that she moved to Texas this summer without me knowing. So in the dream she was wearing this white shirt and these red pants that she always wears and she didn't have her hat on, so I could see her pretty brown hair. And all the while she kept on telling me how she missed me and how she wished she was here to see me, so she came to visit me for the weekend. And for some reason I just hugged her, and I looked into her eyes and I felt this sort of attraction between the two of us. And I think we were really into each other. And all throughout the rest of the dream I kept smiling and I kept putting my arm around her, and I kept thinking how I wanted to kiss her. And right when the dream ended, I looked at her and we started making out. And then I woke up.
And throughout this dream I was very happy. And when I woke up I was very depressed, because I realized I really liked Lindsay, and I never told her. And she moved away.
I honestly don't know what to do about things like this. On a side note, it's my grandmother's birthday today, and I forgot to get her a card. I'm going to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when she gets back though. Hopefully that will be enough.
cya.
-george
I had the most awful dream last night. It was about this girl named Lindsay, who was in my drama class last year. We did an acting scene together called "DMV Tyrant" by Christopher Durang. I remember in the beginning of the school year I looked at her and wondered how awesome it would be if we got to talking. And we did. And we were good friends. Later on in the year, however, she started wearing make up and started wearing this hat and started paying attention to what was de rigeur. This really depressed me.
Anyway, the dream was about her coming back to see me. I forgot to mention that she moved to Texas this summer without me knowing. So in the dream she was wearing this white shirt and these red pants that she always wears and she didn't have her hat on, so I could see her pretty brown hair. And all the while she kept on telling me how she missed me and how she wished she was here to see me, so she came to visit me for the weekend. And for some reason I just hugged her, and I looked into her eyes and I felt this sort of attraction between the two of us. And I think we were really into each other. And all throughout the rest of the dream I kept smiling and I kept putting my arm around her, and I kept thinking how I wanted to kiss her. And right when the dream ended, I looked at her and we started making out. And then I woke up.
And throughout this dream I was very happy. And when I woke up I was very depressed, because I realized I really liked Lindsay, and I never told her. And she moved away.
I honestly don't know what to do about things like this. On a side note, it's my grandmother's birthday today, and I forgot to get her a card. I'm going to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when she gets back though. Hopefully that will be enough.
cya.
-george
I'm sitting here in my room. It's very dark in here. It kind of reminds me when I would sneak Grace into my house and we would read her old poetry and feel alive. The sad thing is, I don't really miss Grace that much. I don't know. I just don't need to feel horrible when I'm with her right now.
I had the most awful dream last night. It was about this girl named Lindsay, who was in my drama class last year. We did an acting scene together called "DMV Tyrant" by Christopher Durang. I remember in the beginning of the school year I looked at her and wondered how awesome it would be if we got to talking. And we did. And we were good friends. Later on in the year, however, she started wearing make up and started wearing this hat and started paying attention to what was de rigeur. This really depressed me.
Anyway, the dream was about her coming back to see me. I forgot to mention that she moved to Texas this summer without me knowing. So in the dream she was wearing this white shirt and these red pants that she always wears and she didn't have her hat on, so I could see her pretty brown hair. And all the while she kept on telling me how she missed me and how she wished she was here to see me, so she came to visit me for the weekend. And for some reason I just hugged her, and I looked into her eyes and I felt this sort of attraction between the two of us. And I think we were really into each other. And all throughout the rest of the dream I kept smiling and I kept putting my arm around her, and I kept thinking how I wanted to kiss her. And right when the dream ended, I looked at her and we started making out. And then I woke up.
And throughout this dream I was very happy. And when I woke up I was very depressed, because I realized I really liked Lindsay, and I never told her. And she moved away.
I honestly don't know what to do about things like this. On a side note, it's my grandmother's birthday today, and I forgot to get her a card. I'm going to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when she gets back though. Hopefully that will be enough.
cya.
-george
I had the most awful dream last night. It was about this girl named Lindsay, who was in my drama class last year. We did an acting scene together called "DMV Tyrant" by Christopher Durang. I remember in the beginning of the school year I looked at her and wondered how awesome it would be if we got to talking. And we did. And we were good friends. Later on in the year, however, she started wearing make up and started wearing this hat and started paying attention to what was de rigeur. This really depressed me.
Anyway, the dream was about her coming back to see me. I forgot to mention that she moved to Texas this summer without me knowing. So in the dream she was wearing this white shirt and these red pants that she always wears and she didn't have her hat on, so I could see her pretty brown hair. And all the while she kept on telling me how she missed me and how she wished she was here to see me, so she came to visit me for the weekend. And for some reason I just hugged her, and I looked into her eyes and I felt this sort of attraction between the two of us. And I think we were really into each other. And all throughout the rest of the dream I kept smiling and I kept putting my arm around her, and I kept thinking how I wanted to kiss her. And right when the dream ended, I looked at her and we started making out. And then I woke up.
And throughout this dream I was very happy. And when I woke up I was very depressed, because I realized I really liked Lindsay, and I never told her. And she moved away.
I honestly don't know what to do about things like this. On a side note, it's my grandmother's birthday today, and I forgot to get her a card. I'm going to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when she gets back though. Hopefully that will be enough.
cya.
-george
Friday, May 30, 2003
hi.
